All Me Like Kings....

11/6/13
A few days ago, I awoke with lines from "Messiah" (Bible?) singing in my head, that went,
    "All we like kings
    "Have gone astray…."
No, that's not right…, I thought. All we like kings, chings, bings, queens, chimps, chumps,…? All morning as I lay in bed — yes, I have been lying abed all day, some days — these words rattled around, desperately looking for their correct mate. Kings, queens, dukes, duchesses, …, we all do go astray, but none of these is right. Finally, the rattling quit.
Some time in the afternoon, the words were there: All we like sheep….
Who went astray?
I did.
I realized I had fled to Oceanside to rebuild my life by tacking it onto my sister's, and when she collapsed and died, my lean-to life crumbled, too. All me like sheep….
Where do I rebuild, and how? Where start? Realization is good, but it's not a start, so far. Did I get sick Sunday so I could turn away from the search for a start? Who starts anything at nearly 72? I'm not lamb, I'm superannuated mutton.
I've come unstuck, unglued, my magnet has failed and I've fallen off the refrigerator door and onto the floor, into the sea, into the nasty cold stinking death-filled ocean which I hate, and I'm floating away, away, away, with no land in sight. (At the end of days, when the "oceans yield up their dead," there will be no room left to stand on land.)
I am so angry I could heat the whole damned festering stew to boiling!
LATER…
Finally, I got my act together enough to go to Rite Aid for a much-needed prescription (the SSRI, strangely enough). It was just after sunset as I left, and looking seaward to get out of the parking lot, I admired the band of sunset pinks hovering over that turquoise-painted seawall down where Oceanside Boulevard ends above the beach.
Except there isn't any seawall down there. It was the ocean its own damn self, as exquisite a shade of light turquoise as I have ever seen. So I had to be a little less angry.
Then I went to Primo's for cinnamon and a burrito.
Back home, I got out with my bags and glanced up at the deep blue sky to see it wearing a beauty mark on its cheek and winking at me: Venus glimmering near a brilliantly silver sliver of new moon.
At this rate, for tonight, at least, I can't hate Oceanside as much as I usually do.